Essay: 《不死鸟》The Immortal Bird by Sanmao

Jose heard of this whole affair, and [becoming] curious, he also asked me, “What would you do?”

At the time, I was in the kitchen rolling dough. I raised a hand covered in specks of white powder, lightly touched his hair, and said slowly, “Silly, I won’t die, I still have to finish making you these dumplings!”

As soon as I said that, Jose suddenly got misty-eyed, and his arms wrapped around me and held me from behind, and he didn’t let go until the dumplings were on the table.

“Have you gone nuts?” I asked him with a smile, and his eyes suddenly turned red again. He also smiled, and then sat down opposite me without saying a word.

When I thought about the overdue draft again later, my answer [to the question posed] was still just as simple and obstinate: “I would hold on to my family and protect my husband. A responsible person has no right to die.”

Although being able to predict the time of my death is the way I’d prefer to end my own life, I still refuse to die. In this world, three other lives have been inextricably linked to my death: my father, my mother, and Jose. As long as any one of them is still alive, I must not die, even God cannot take me away, because I’m not willing [to go], and God understands that.

Talking to my parents in the depths of one evening, I said suddenly: “If I choose the path of suicide, please understand that, for me, that would be the luckiest way to return home.”

Hearing this, my mother burst into tears. She didn’t dare say anything that might rile me up, she just muttered again and again, “Please try again, just try again to keep living, it’s not that I’m not giving you a choice, but I beg you to try again.”

My father was different, he sat beneath the dim light, and almost unable to control his tone of voice, he said, “Speaking those heartless words is like asking your father to live in hell, and because you have already spoken them, I, this person who must be a father, will live in fear every day, not knowing which day I will suddenly lose my daughter. If you dare to destroy yourself, then you’re my enemy, not only my enemy in this life, but throughout the ages, because it would be you that killed by beloved daughter.”

My tears flowed like a waterfall then, I sat on the bed, and couldn’t speak a word in answer to my father. The room was dead silent, then my father stood up and slowly walked out. My mother’s face, seen through my shining tears, was quietly convulsing.

Good grief, I must be crazy to say such things to my parents.

I understood once again that in the hearts of those who love me, my life is important. My thoughts almost caused my parents – who have passed through so many vicissitudes and [lived so many] different lives – to crumble. They were unwilling to guard themselves against the wounds their daughter repeatedly inflicted on them, but I was only like that when it came to my husband. On so many nights when I lay dreaming of the past, I hid in the dark, nearly mad thinking of Jose, lovesickness slowly gnawing at my own body like a worm, until I became a big empty hole. The nights are so long, so dark, the rain outside the window was the tears in my heart, the day when it stops will never come. I’m always thinking of Jose, always saying to myself, “I thank God that I am the one alive today, if Jose was the one who had to endure night after long night, I absolutely could not accept it. Fortunately, it wasn’t his turn to [bear] all this, if it was him that had to live on like this, then I would struggle against heaven to switch places with him.”

Even though I lost Jose this way, if today I went first, then how would that [change] the situation for my father, my mother, and Jose? I’ve never doubted their love for me, and if I cause my parents to lose their beloved daughter after half a life of hard labor, after they had given their all, then their comfort and happiness would be utterly lost. [I can’t allow] them to bear such a sharp blow, that would be too cruel and too unfair.

If it was Jose [and not me] that had his wings broken halfway through his journey, if he was forced to lose the beloved wife on whom he depended, even if he went on living, what scars would [he carry] on his heart, what kind of brand? If Jose never smiled again for the rest of his life because I disappeared, then I certainly couldn’t die.

All this, and some other things, means that because my death would bring great pain to my parents, and great hardship, every time I think about it, I can’t bear it, can’t bear it, can’t bear it, can’t bear it. After all, those who leave first are the comparatively lucky ones, and the ones that are left aren’t the strong ones. But, in this heart-wrenching bitterness, in this cutting pain, I still must say, “Because of love, I’ll keep drinking from the bitter cup of farewells!”

In the circle of life that includes my father, mother, and husband, I’m willing to be the last one to leave this world. If I go first, and leave the cup of bitterness I’ve tasted to my living parents, then I won’t rest in peace, because I understand love, and my love is so deep, my concern and reluctance so long.

And so, I have no choice but to be a temporarily immortal bird, although my wings are broken, my feathers shed, and have no other half to fly beside me, my shattered heart is still my parent’s treasure, and [even if] the pain is greater, or the hurt [deeper], as long as they are unwilling for me to die, I won’t think of abandoning them again.

There will always be a day, in a place beyond our time and space, that six arms will warmly and peacefully welcome me into eternity. At that time, I will call out to them in tears and laughter, father, mother, Jose, and run to them without looking back.

This essay was originally supposed to be about something else, but I reject the fantasy that I only have three months to live. A life of difficulties, an empty heart, the repeated heartbreaks of saying goodbyes at death, all this I’ll take upon myself.

Father, mother, Jose, I love you more than my own life, I ask the heavens to see my sincerity, let me live long days upon this earth, protect my parents’ happiness and years, then I, under this responsibility, will never again lightly speak of disappearing and death.

Jose, you once agreed you would wait for me on the other side, and with this one promise, I still have one more thing to look forward to.